hopeful attempt

2007-09-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

This is an honest and hopeful attempt at what I have been unable to do thus far in my life. This is an attempt at trying to keep the people that I love, who are not momentarily with me, informed of what is going on in my life. Mostly I hope this to be a window into the inner workings of Jesus on my heart. I have so many thoughts and dreams that are never expressed to my many friends because they are not with me when they are taking place and working themselves out in my heart. So, I do very much hope that this can be a window for my sake as well as yours. I guess to explain why this is so important to me I need to explain my heart and some of my darkness.
When I moved to the Philippines the summer before fourth grade everything in my life, and heart, obviously, changed. For the first several months in Cagayan I wrote letters to my friends and family in St. Louis frequently. Fairly soon I grew tired of trying to stay connected but feeling so distant, and soon my attempts to connect with friends diminished and disappeared, until there were only a few select family members I ever cared to hear about.
By the time I visited the states in 1999, I was completely disenchanted with email, letters, and phone calls. Old and new friends would hand me scribbled email addresses and screen names and I would knowingly lie through my teeth, telling them that I would try to let them know what was going on in my life. This pattern continued for the rest of my time split between the Philippines and the States. Included in this time were short term missions teams that visited with whom I made close friendships, and than quickly dismissed upon departure.
The pattern grew worse when I left Cagayan De Oro and moved to Manila to attend a boarding school my freshman year of high school. I stayed virtually unconnected with the church in Cagayan and completely detached myself from my parents incredible ministry there. During my short year and a half stay at Faith Academy I made friendships that will impact me for eternity.
Halfway through my sophomore year of high school my family moved back to St. Louis. This may have been the darkest part of my life yet. Although many of my friends at Faith Academy held onto friendship with me, I soon used distance to distance my friendships, and thus distance myself from my great loss.
This was the only time in my life that I have ever had a hard time making friends. I think that my heart had become so discouraged and hard with distancing and separation I temporarily lost all desire to love anyone. I fell into a deep pattern of hate that I am still recovering from and a pattern that still reaches out and lashes out at the people that love me.
Over the course of the next three years Jesus taught me to love people again, but more honestly than I had ever loved anyone before. Mostly this is because people continued to love me despite me. Obviously no one has loved me more than Julie, and thus no one has taught me to love as much as Julie has.
Then I moved to Columbia S.C. and the dragon showed himself again as I disconnected myself from some extremely important relationships in St. Louis. Fortunately, Jesus graced me with this summer and reconnection was made with some. However, in the meantime, I conveniently let go of virtually all of my friendships at C.I.U.
I honestly do not know how to love all the people scattered around the world and states that I love. I don't know when its ok to let go and when I need to hold on. I have been mangled by the pain of loss and loneliness so much in my life that I have reacted to each separation more harshly. I am not ok with this. I am not ok with hurting people that love me as a brother and son in this way. But, honestly, my walls have grown so high and my defence so tight that I rarely pray for anyone except those I am immediately with. When I am in the flesh I don't want to think about people I am not with, I don't want to pray for people I am distant from, and sometimes don't even want to know them anymore. This is a disgusting reaction to hurt. My prayer is that Jesus is healing me of this darkness and teaching me to love more deeply than ever. That is why this is so important to me. The fact that I have hurt from so much separation in my life only shows how many people Jesus has loved me through, and there are far too many times of hurt to count. Jesus loves me through people a lot.

What if maybe, may be

hopeful attempt